didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
