my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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