I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
