She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
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I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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