This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
