I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
