Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
