I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
