My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
