i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
