party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
