Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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