alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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