I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
