Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
