I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
