Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
