dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
