It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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