Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I met the friendliest cop last night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
