You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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