After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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