dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.