I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
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you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
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Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.