pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
vagina is talking i cant
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
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i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
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No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?