Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.