wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
