My Higher Power is John Stamos
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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