just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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