I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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