did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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