in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
