his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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