tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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