so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the condom got lost in my hair
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
