Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
