I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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