But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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