he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My ATM looks so different sober.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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