I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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