DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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