Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
