I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.