I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
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I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
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No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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