You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
