i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
