I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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