Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
third nipple confirmed
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
