guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need a beard to bite.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
