I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
