the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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