I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
