Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
