Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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