there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
thus making me awesome and them whores
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
