dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dicks are not precious.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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