I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
