the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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