she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
