yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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