I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
