Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
