We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
